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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.