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The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”