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I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.