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Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!