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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Iām classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
I love long legs.... Long sexy legs.....But not on a Spider, I hate long sexy legs on a Spider.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss