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Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.