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I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
2 words, 1 finger.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!