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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!