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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”