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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
Home is where the alcohol is.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.