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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
Irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.