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You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Gravity is a real downer.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.