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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.