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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.