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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.