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My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy