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Based on the sound of her walking.. My upstairs neighbor seems like the kind of woman that starts sentences with; "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum.".. O_o
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Turns out, I`m not an afternoon person either...
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)