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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.