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Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.