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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.