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I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of