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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.