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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
The older I get the better I used to be.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?