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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.