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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.