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You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!