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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.