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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."