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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.