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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?