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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Lol at birds that walk places.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...