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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch