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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.