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If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!