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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!