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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.