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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.