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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."