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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about