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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?