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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.