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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.