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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Girls just wanna have funds.
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.