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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.