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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.