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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.