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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.