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I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.