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The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"