Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
Vodka is just amazing water.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.