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+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.