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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)