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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
justin bieber
bras are booby-traps
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...