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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
My number was 0...
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.