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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
Does running out of money count as exercise?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.