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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.