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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.