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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
i like boobs
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.