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I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.