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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
Does "who cares" count as advice?
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!