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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"