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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
I just blew all my party money on bills again
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?