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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?