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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!