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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.