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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.