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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.