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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Gun Control: Use both hands
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.