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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.