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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!