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I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…