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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
High fiving was the original "like".
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.