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A wise man once said nothing.
Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.