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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.