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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!