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Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.