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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"